In Case You Were Like Me

For the ones who can say, "middle school sucked"...this is for you.

August 23, 2008.

I couldn't fall asleep last night. For what seemed like an endless night, I laid there wide-eyed with tears slowly creeping down my cheeks, as countless thoughts kept my mind in a panic. 

"What is wrong with me?"

"Why do they look at me that way?"

"Am I gonna force myself to go back there tomorrow?"

I have been bullied since the day I began middle school, and I can dissect everything a dirty look has to say in merely 3 seconds. I have isolated myself from any and everyone, I have perfected the ability to be alone in a room full of people. I can fake a fever and upset stomach so well, even I have unintentionally convinced myself that I'm sick on some days.

And since they pointed their finger at me and laughed, I have been trying to convince myself that, things will get better. Trying to convince myself that if I can just get through the hard part, if I can still be kind to the mean girl, one day this will all be behind me, a distant memory and the kids who made my childhood a living hell will be as insignificant as they make me feel.

They say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but they should've added a clause to that statement that said, "but dealing with all the shit is gonna make you hella tired." Because I have never been so exhausted in life, I'm so tired of coming home to rush to my room to cry in silence, so sick of seeing the faces of these "catty girls" and "stupid boys" who don't understand that at the age of 13, its normal to be "boobless". I am so sick of this being my reality every...single...day...like a 9-5 job I can't quit.  I am over feeling that I am not good enough. I am tired of losing sleep because of the anxiety of having to face tomorrow. I am over being punished for being myself.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and tell myself again and again, today will be better. I will remind myself that one day, I will wake up and not have to reassure myself that things will be okay. But until that day comes, this is my reality, I am stuck in a cycle of pain and fear.

That was about 10 years ago and thankfully I haven't dealt with that kinda bullying since (of course you have your catty bishes on the internet but hey, its the world we live in).

But I, like a lot of people who have been stuck in a cycle like this, carry this same pain and fear into our adulthood and we don't even realize it. We carry that same insecurity into our dating relationships and friendships. The anger and resentment we have towards our past, can push away those that love us.

We may try and fix it, by "reinventing" ourselves, thinking that can cover up the damage or even erase what was done. 

And unfortunately, it doesn't quite work.

If you were like me, you've got to just let it go.

I'm no expert, however I'd like to think I've had a few realizations that could be useful to at least one individual.

So these are just a few things I've taken from being the victim of tiny minded imbeciles, who feel bigger by making others feel small.

1. YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO FACE IT.

People only "pick on" others that they believe to be weak. Bullies only choose those who won't defend themselves, they're always gonna go for the "easy target." They will not bully anyone who is gonna fight back. So the next time someone comes at you, or "tries you"...fight back. Whether its with words, or physically (depending on the situation) do not allow yourself to just "take it." 

There is no reason that you should accept being the victim. 

Show your strength, and you might be surprised how people will react.

2. YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THEY WANT.

A lot of the times, especially once you get older. The people who try to target you are often doing that because they are simply trying to destroy your confidence. A lot of times the person who is constantly targeting you is doing it out of envy. Remember, jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.

Thank you Drake.

3. MOST (IF NOT ALL) OF THE PEOPLE WHO BULLIED YOU ARE GONNA HIT THEIR PRIME THEIR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND THEN ITS DOWN HILL FROM THERE. I'M TALKING DOUBLE CHINS AND BELLIES THAT HANG OVER THEIR FOREVER 21 JEANS

...that wasn't a shot at anyone...moving on.

And lastly remember this...

BULLIES ARE JUST TRULY, UNHAPPY.

I have always believed that anyone who is truly happy, will never desire to hurt other people. I don't care how "poppin" they may make their lives seem on Instagram, or how "lit" their Snapchat may appear. Underneath all the "glam" these bullies are simply dissatisfied with one or more aspects of their life.

And as we all know, misery loves company. 

Therefore, hurt people, hurt people.

Listen, all in all, life can be as hard as trying to put on your earring back with press on nails.

But nothing is too difficult to get through.

And I know that with technology, bullying and "shit-talking" is at a whole new level. 

However, remember this you don't have to be the victim and no one has power over you unless you give them that power. And no one has the power to make you suffer if you do not let them.

That is all.