Let's Be Friends

The "friends with an ex conversation." Most of us know it all too well. Whether your relationship ended on mutual terms or feelings that one person had lost interest in the other, the "I'd like us to be friends still" conversation seems inevitable.

It is hard to fully let go sometimes, so I understand why someone would start this conversation with the person they loved. Especially if the relationship began with a genuine friendship, you don't want to completely ruin what you and that person had as friends just because a romantic relationship didn't work out.

I mean you can still hangout from time to time, go see a movie...talk to them all day just without all the feelings right? After all you're just Netflix and chilling.

Ha, you thought.

Trying to maintain just a friendship with someone who you once had a romantic relationship with is MESSY! POINT BLANK PERIOD.

Now do I think its impossible for you and an ex lover to be friends, of course not, at the core of most of my relationships was a strong friendship anyway. So I do believe its doable. However, it is not always a very easy task, there are a few problematic issues that two people must overcome in order for lovers to become once again, just friends.

Let's look at how you would even go about defining a "friendship with your ex" type of relationship. Does that mean you guys still have Taco Tuesday together? Do you just hangout on the weekends now? Or is it just "hi" when you happen to run into each other? I think that's where a lot of people run into the biggest issues with this. Because you once had a relationship with NO BOUNDARIES now you're trying to redefine a relationship which requires new boundaries. And honestly, no one is good at establishing boundaries and disciplining themselves, so you can see how this would be and can be a very PROBLEMATIC situation. How this "lets be friends" can easily just become a "situationship."

So if you nor your ex are the best at self control, I doubt the becoming just friends is going to be a smooth journey at all. In fact, if you and your ex are both still sexually attracted to each other and you both are really bad at self control, smh...you'll need prayer.

I think another  important aspect to this "lets be friends" conversation is, what is the motive for this conversation, for wanting to remain friends? Are you hoping it can provide closure? Are you hoping you'll get back together? Or are you just trying to be nice because you felt bad about the breakup? I think to hang onto something, to "drag someone along" and disguising it as "lets stay friends," is really a disservice to both people involved. Honestly, I think that some people bring up this conversation without truly meaning it, they do it because they think somehow being friends will help reconcile. NEWSFLASH...it doesn't work that way.

But good try.

So if you sit and consider things, are there any good reasons to stay friends with your ex? Sure. If neither of you have ulterior motives, and if your friendship doesn’t interfere with your current relationships—a good test is whether you're comfortable hanging out with your current partner and your ex together, and whether your ex’s partner is comfortable with you—it could very well work. But keep in mind ulterior motives can be sneaky—our minds have ways of disguising them as more innocent aims. One day you're all "unbothered" then the next day you're tweeting about how, "people ain't loyal and how you protecting your energy and cutting people off." So make sure you are being honest with yourself about what your true intentions are.

The most important thing, whether you're trying to be friends with your ex or not is...moving forward. All of our relationships are different, as are the people in them, so if you want to try and take on this seemingly impossible task, power to you. Research suggests that couples who do successfully have some type of friendship after ending a romantic relationship, tend to be less emotionally supportive, less attentive and less overall concerned with the happiness of this "new friend" than they are compared to friends who they never had romantic relations with. At the end of the day, breakups are messy and they provide new issues for two people who were once in love. But nothing is impossible. But a lot of things are HARD AS HELL.